newbie guide: how to behave in a 5 man

As a newbie, you will notice that at times there are side dungeons you can participate with 4 other people with to gain better equipment and kill feircer foes. You may think this is done via teamwork, but in reality much more powerful forces are at work.

These forces can all be categorized under a single banner, called the "leet pwnage force". "leet pwnage" comes entirely from attitude. No amount of epic items or gameplay skill can duplicate it, which is very fortunate for newbies, since there is no grind attatched to it. Unfortunately, most newbies play the game without learning how to "pwn leet"ly, but fortunately for them, I have created a simple guide on the topic. Follow these steps and you'll be able to take on anything:

HOW TO LEET PWN IN 5-MANS

First of all, don't ever bother to use the LFG tool built in the game. Its for scrubs. The best way to get a group together is to use the LFG channel, spamming it with a macro full of acronyms "lf2m dps brd pst!!!!". At the same time, spam general chat with the macro, it doesn't matter what zone you are in.

When your group begins to form up, don't say anything. This game isnt about being social, its about killing things indiscriminately and proving to others how badass you are. You ever hear of a social badass? Neither have I.

Once you've zoned in, if it's a sub lvl 70 run, make sure everyone knows you have a lvl 70 main. If its a lvl 70 run, make sure everyone knows you have a main that farms Illidan, and that this is your alt. This will free you up from any blame of "not knowing how to play the game", while allowing to sling blame on your compatriots for not knowing how to do their job.

To expand upon this, make sure to inspect your teammates and comment that they are using the wrong equipment. Pick stats at random that they do not have enough of. Tell the healing paladin that he doesnt have enough agility, or that the Hunter doesnt have enough +healing, or that the Warrior needs more spell crit.

Before the first pull, if somone else is trying to mark the pull, attack the monsters before they can get it done and do a "/rw marks are for nubs, we can handle this!". If you are the party leader, refuse to hand it over to somone who repeatedly asks for it so they can mark the pull.

Make sure you take every opportunity to insult the progress of the group and make it clear that the only thing keeping this group alive is you. Especially if you're AOEing the CC on a non-AOE pull. The DPS will never be fast enough, the heals never soon enough, or the tank cant hold aggro enough for you. Remember: "lrn2play" is a term of endearment (unless somone is using it on you. what the fuck is their problem?).

If you wipe once, threaten to drop the party unless everyone else doesnt shape up. Wiping twice is grounds for dropping the party, or at least gives you full clearance to Ninja the next boss drop should you remain.

Remember that when rolling on items, its only the stats that matter. Not usefulness to the class. Feel free to roll on that leather item against the Rogue as a Warrior, or against the priest for that Robe because it looks good on your Hunter. Roll on items you arent even going to use and sell them.

At the end of a run, make sure to contact whatever guild leaders/officers you can of the people you ran with, and notify them of every mistake they made.




And that is how you "pwn leet"ly.

raidiquette: blaming wipes

After a wipe, you have to examine what went wrong during the raid, and if was a trivial encounter that you should be able to do with your eyes closed: blame somone for it.

For certain coordination fights this will be easy. For example, a typical Netherspite wipe could look like this:
"Johnny stepped in front of the green beam for too long, so I got nether exhaustion and after he stepped out of the green beam Netherspite healed too much, and we ran into his enrage timer."

But for other fights the problem is more complex and not easy to identify. Here are a few simple rules for figuring out to blame:

1) Don't Blame the Tanks
Even if it was their fault, don't blame the tanks. Until Wrath drops and we can all get EZ Offtanks (Blizzard calls then Deathknights for some reason), dont blame them. Certainly dont blame your main Warrior, Druid, and Paladin tanks. There are specific encounters that call for their abilities, and if you place too much blame on them they may leave. Some have thick skin, but its not worth the risk.

2) Don't Blame the Healers
Healers watch health bars more than anyone in the entire raid. They know when they are sucking and they certainly dont need a reminder from you. Pissing off healers is a bad idea as well: most healers would switch to DPS at the drop of the hat if they could, and if you piss them off too much they might do that and go to another guild. Again, some have thick skin, but its still not worth the risk to blame the healers.

3) Blame the DPS
Since DPS has the easiest job, you will always have more DPS than you will ever need. Honestly, we are a dime a dozen and everyone likes to see big numbers appear from dealing damage. Comparatively, big healing numbers are usually overheals, which means you wasted mana, and as a tank all you get to see are the feet of some massive giant laying into you the entire fight. Furthermore, blaming the DPS is a great motivator, since its negative reinforcement that if the DPS doesnt get into shape they will start losing raid invites to other DPSers.

4) By "Blame the DPS" I mean "Blame the Hunters and Rogues"
Firstly, dont blame DPS Warriors, Paladins, Priests, Shamen (Shamans?), or Druids. They can all spec to tank and/or heal at some point. For the same reasons for rules 1 & 2, you don't blame them for a wipe.

Looking ahead, this leaves the 4 pure DPS classes. Hunters, Rogues, Mages, and Warlocks. Of these, Mages provide the needed service of Arcane Intellect/Brilliance, free food/water, and portals for to exit the raid without using hearthstone. Warlocks provide wipe insurance, healthstones, and blood pact for the tank group. All very essential buffs and items to have in the raid encounters.

Hunters and Rogues do have some useful tools to bring to the table. Misdirect is amazing, and trueshot is sort of ok. Rogue poisons have situational usefulness, and hemo is nice to have -- though not many spec to get it.

However, the most important reason to blame them though, is because they are the largest idiot magnet classes around. Hunters because they promise high damage with survivability, rogues because they promise high dps and a lot of people have ninja fetishes. Either way, they levelled up to now constantly being ridiculed by groupmates as "Huntards" and "Roguetards" because of their less intelligent comrades, so they will have the thickest skin.

5) Alternatively, blame whichever DPS got a nice drop recently
If it was clearly not a rogue or hunter at fault, the next best choice is to blame a DPSer who got a nice purple to drop recently. This will reinforce the behaviour that they "owe" the guild, and their recent "payment" from the guild is fresh in their minds. Also, if it was a really nice item, they will be to happy to care that they are taking the heat for the wipe that they probably didnt cause.

6) If all else fails, blame Blizzard
I heard there were more Deep Breaths this patch.